Who is my Fantasy Self and How Do I Shut Her Up?

She told me I could wear these shoes. I was a fool to believe her...

Your fantasy self. You might not have heard of them, but you know their presence deep inside of you. They are everything you are not, but wish you could be.

The most dangerous part about our fantasy selves is how they are shaped by the consumer culture we live in. Media and advertising wants to alter your fantasy self into someone who benefits them. They want you to believe the illusion that you can become the fantasy self with their products. They want you to think that with this new dress or hair dye or make-up product, you will finally be beautiful and happy, just like that perfect image of yourself in your head. Or if you buy these expensive comic markers, then maybe you’ll finally start drawing, or actually start being good at it, right? For someone so imaginary, the fantasy self is surprisingly demanding. What it comes down to is how much stuff you buy that goes unused, and how much guilt and shame they cause every time you look at them.

Who is my Fantasy Self?

I feel as though it’s difficult for me to know who she is anymore, since my values are undergoing significant change. My fantasy self has perfectly maintained dyed hair and nails, which she doesn’t bite. She can always stay on schedule with organisational apps, and she doesn’t have a processing speed deficiency like I do. She earns more money which she uses to spend on Lazy Oaf, Irregular Choice, and YRU, and honestly looks a lot more like Pixielocks than I am willing to admit. Oh, and let’s not forget, she can actually walk in high heels.

Fantasy Cora has a DSLR camera and makes YouTube videos and can edit photos and can speak Japanese and travels and spends more time with friends without getting exhausted or worrying about how expensive outings can be because she can pay for it!

Some examples of things she convinced me to buy but I don’t use:

• Nail wraps despite my nails being short and crooked from biting them (I have been improving though).
• High heels that hurt seconds into wearing them (see picture).
• Thrifted formal dresses for fancy events I don’t go to.
• Long, high maintenance wigs I don’t have the patience to brush.
• A plushie alpaca backpack that has no room for my things.
• Cosplay supplies for things I don’t know how to make.
• Some fancy pegs for some elaborate and intimidating jewellery storage idea I had in mind.

Most of those listed items weren't from large corporations with aggressive advertising, but their purchase was the result of unhealthy consumer habits instilled within me from a young age.

How is she hurting me?

She is an unrealistic standard that constantly reminds me that I am not good enough, while also giving me the false hope that if I have this thing or that, I will become her. I will be happier. So what does she make me do? Spend money on cute things I don’t actually use or wear, shame me for not using or wearing them, or shame me for not being able to afford them in the first place. And then I feel terrible about having Autism Spectrum Disorder which gets in the way of my productivity which is why I don’t earn enough to fulfil this lavish image that perpetually hangs over me. Yeah, Fantasy Cora is kinda ableist...

I doubt I’ll be able to truly escape the unending hunger of wanting more, but Fantasy Cora amplifies that hunger unnecessarily. That’s why it’s in my best interest to shut her the hell up.

How do I shut her up?

• I won’t purchase something expensive to do a particular activity without committing to the activity first. For example, I will not purchase a proper filming camera until I have consistently made videos on my phone and/or laptop.
• Whenever I want to purchase a fashion item, I will consider the practicality, the comfort, how well it matches my current wardrobe, how versatile the item is, and if I have any similar items already.
• I’ve greatly reduced my spending, especially for fashion, so I can better appreciate what I already have.
• I'm painting a clearer picture of what I do want so I’m not as tempted by distractions. For example, the next convention I attend I will likely focus mainly on Steven Universe pins for my Ita bag.
• I’m unfollowing a bunch of brands and unsubscribing from YouTubers who mostly do hauls so I’m not constantly bombarded with items I find myself lusting after. (Though I still follow some brands for style inspiration and to keep up with my local fashion scene.)
• Finally, I’ve decluttered and am still decluttering the items I don’t use or wear so that they aren’t around to remind me of the person I’m not. This makes the items I do love and use that much more visible.

I know this post focuses on my own experiences, but I hope it encourages you to think about your own fantasy self and give you some ideas on how to shut them the hell up! As someone with one foot in the kawaii community, and one foot in minimalism and sustainability, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to quell Fantasy Cora to a whisper, but I can still choose not to listen to her. If I’m honest and trust myself, I should be okay. I hope you’ll be okay too, and you’ll be able to quiet that voice in your own way to make room for the real you.

Learn more about the fantasy self:

• Is Your Fantasy Self Toxic? by Janell Kristina (YouTube video)
• The Year of Less by Cait Flanders (book)
• Is Your Fantasy Self Wearing You Down? by Caroline McGraw (blogpost)
• Declutter Your Fantasy Self by Francine Jay (blogpost)

If you liked this article, you might also like 'Anxiety and Alternative Fashion'.

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Question of the week: What's your fantasy self like? Comment below or tell me your answer on social media.